it was a good night. a time where all the rantings about life was expressed. it was a good therapy for us all. and then after the conversations, i realized we were all victims of love. at some point in our lives we have succumb to loving that one person who made us feel alive , got hurt in the process and then they moved on, they were able to, i was able to before and i will be able to do it now.
i actually feel better now, at least now. i would not know about tomorrow, the pain might come again. when i am reminded of him, the things we used to do, the things we used to share, the things we used to say, the places we go to. but that is a part of it. i have to pick up the pieces or no one else will. i will have to decide to move on, get a life, start from scratch, mend myself. this is going to be very difficult but i know it is possible.
tonight is that night. and although it may seem as difficult as crossing the ganges river. i will do this. i can do this. i am stronger than this. i am better than this. the decisions i have made lately are but momentary lapses of judgement, though i do not regret them,, they made me realize something. when u hit the bottom, there is no other way but up.
i love him, love him just the way he is, no buts , no ifs. and i will always do. but i have to get on with my life because the world will not stop revolving just to pry on my pathetic private life. there are a million people in this planet and some are going through so much worse than this, i should be thanksful. there is so mcuh more to do. my identity should not be attached with him. my happines should not be because of his existence. my voice should be back. my zest for life whould be reborn.
i am done wallowing on my own sad emotions. yet. i will still love the rain. the grey sky. the sad sound of birds humming in the meadow. the lonely boat in the river. the falling of brown leaves. the breeze of summer. the silence of the night. the sorrow of poets. the journals of my past.the tragic love stories. the melacholic music.
and yes. i was looking for a miracle. i found it. in an unlikely time and place.
to be continued..
{ music } someday by sugar ray
{ mood } haaaaappppppyyyyyy
Posted by soulsmoker under my sweetest downfall
Currently listening to Corr's Runaway. Best buds stat msg on ym is "this heart, it beats, beats for only you". the line from Neyo's song is my mantra for the day "I'm too fly to be depressed." My brother was singing "mabuhay lahat ng single" before I went out of the house. My classmate Yuuri keeps on playing Mariah's I stay inlove with you, IN DIFFERENT TONES. now somebody just polluted the airwaves with Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You. Music is a part of every human being's life. But that's not what I'll be talking about.
Ever had that feeling like you're being watched or stalked? This will sound very very weird, but this afternoon while I was about to take my siesta, there was a huge moth flying around me. It looked creepy and how I wish I charged my digicam so I could've taken a shot of it. It was brown and had big black eyes. Imagine? Then later this evening, I noticed the same lizard I've been eyeing on for the past couple of days, crawling or should I say hanging out , outside my windows. Then in a matter of minutes while I was dressing up, seriously, the lizard was in front of me (only it was still on my window outside). Then the moth flew around me again. Am I starting to sound pathetic? Oh well. I feel as if I'm surrounded by people I know in the form of insects...
*starbuck's signature hot choco tastes bitter than usual*
Ok, tonight I'll be watching New Moon with my best bud. I don't know why but I feel like dressing up big time and I've been dying to wear this almost see through blouse that I haven't worn in awhile because my mom keeps on telling me how it's too suggestive. (And I honestly don't know what suggestion can a blouse say.) I don't know, maybe it's because I'll be seeing Edward again and I won't be my usual self again for the next couple of days. I remember watching Twilight last year w/ fiance, it was the first screening in Hawaii, midnight of the 20th, 4 cinemas were showing it and everyone stood in line from 8pm 'til they opened the doors at 11pm. I was running the scenes in my head and anticipating that the movie will be exactly like the book. After the movie I figured, not bad, though some parts were left out. Anyway, my illussion happened after watching clips on youtube. Its interesting that some people have different picks on who's going to play who. Then, it happened. I saw a clip. It was not really that significant, the scenes were normal, it was the song.. I was so..entranced. "You are my life now, can't you see?..I'll cross oceans, I'd swim seas..to be with you, that's enough for me." It was for Edward, but the title was really "Bella's Lullabye". And the part that amazes me is that, the song is under 3 minutes, yet I can't memorize it. Kase i have a thing for memorizing songs, they lose their appeal to me once I have them memorized. Like there's nothing special about it anymore because I can already sing it in my sleep, and backwards. So then, an obsession started. Whenever I see sycamores or really tall pine trees up above the mountains, I keep on looking for any sign of Edward standing on one of the trees. I also imagine him sitting on a chair inside my room by my bedside, watching me sleep, so I really place a chair beside my bed. On New Year's Eve, Paramount had a party and Rob Pattinson was gonna be there. It costs $250 for you to see him and some stars. I was tempted. But I didn't go. I realized, it was really Edward that I was after. And Rob, he's just another guy, shallow, can't even answer straight in his interviews. The real Edward is my name without a face. A myth I have to believe in. He isn't real. I can't make him real...
See how powerful music is? XP
{ music } All Around Me- Flyleaf
{ mood } cloud 9 (i'm so full of it. XD)
Posted by lifeisabitch under thinking aloud
i just want to make a correction. the title of the song i was listening to at yesterday's entry: EVERYBODY HERE WANTS YOU. haaay..
{ music } hate that i love you so
{ mood } O.C.
Posted by lifeisabitch under clutter
i need a miracle.
yet.
i do not even believe in miracles.
{ music } himala by rivermaya
{ show } my chatscreen
{ mood } broken
Posted by soulsmoker under hanging by a moment
Dami na uli nangyari after ng last post ko... totoong rollercoaster ride talaga ang nangyayari sa'min ngayon... masaya-malungkot-masaya... palaging extremes... walang sakto lang... ganun talaga siguro kapag bago...
Matapos ang pag-amin, hindi ko na alam kung saan kami dinadala ng nararamdaman namin sa isa't isa... araw-araw may bago... kinausap na rin kami ni norms kung ano ang balak namin gawin?... actually, si Sanjo lang naman ang may problema kase sya lang naman ang may sabit... hindi nya alam kung paano hihiwalayan yung pare nya pero ayaw nya akong lumayo sa kanya... She's torned between what she have with that girl and what she enjoys when she's with me... hindi ko naman sya kayang papiliin... hindi ko gawain yon... kaya all I need to do is to wait for her to realize my worth...
The following day, hindi pa lumilipas yung feeling na kailangan ko pang maghintay ng matagal, bigal na lang nagselos ang pare nya at tinapos na ang relasyon nila... gusto kong maging masaya para sa'kin dahil at last free na sya pero hindi ko magawa dahil nakikita kong nasasaktan sya dahil sa nangyari... Hindi man lang sya binigyan nung girl ng pagkakataon para magpaliwanag ng ayos... Hindi kami sabay umuwi that time dahil kailangan nya dalhin sa office nun girl yun book na hiniram nya... mag-isa lang ako umuwi pero pagdating ko ng boni nag-text sya at nagpapahintay... gutom na daw sya... hinintay ko naman sya sa Mcdo... while waiting, katext ko si brit at si bunso... Bitter si bunso nun nalaman na may bago na akong pinagkakaabalahan... lalo siguro syang magiging bitter kung malalaman nya na babae si Sanjo... haha... Ang bagal nya kase tsaka malabo talaga dahil kapatid nga sya ni ex... mas mabuti if we'll stay friends para masaya ang lahat sa huli... Dumating na si Sanjo at bumili kami ng sundae tapos umuwi na... She's trying to be normal and coll sa harap ko pero alam kong hindi sya okay... Ang dami nyang kwento na hindi naman related sa nangyaring hiwalayan... naguguluhan ako pero pinabayaan ko lang sya... siguro yun ang way nya para mawala ang tensyon na nararamdaman nya... mayamaya matapos ang mahaba hababg food trip at kwento tungkol sa ibang babae, naisipan na namin matulog... pero nagkwentuhan pa rin kami... May nasabi yata akong isang word na nakapag-trigger ng current status ng nararamdaman nya kaya napaiyak sya... ayaw nya ipakita sa'kin nung una pero nalaman ko rin dahil ayaw nyang humarap sa'kin... hindi ko alam kung ano ang ggawin ko sa kanya?... Iniwan ko sya sa kwarto, tapos bumalik din ako... I tried to comfort her pero lalo syang umiyak... In between sobs, nagsasalita sya... marami syang sinabi... Dapat daw wala sya sa harapan ko... hnidi daw sya dapat sa'kin umiiyak, bakit daw sinasabi ko na okay lang sa'kin ang lahat, tao daw ako hindi bato... marami pa yon... hindi ko alam... wala yata akong pakiramdam nung mga panahong yun o umiral lang yung part ko na sobrang understanding o yung part ko na kailangan lang makinig... alam ko kaseng kailangan nya ng isang tao na makikinig ngayon... yung hindi sya susumbatan ng mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang nya... tapos, nung sober na sya at naka-recover na sa mahaba-haba ring pag-iyak, niyakap nya ako at nag-sorry... (na naman!!!) Ayaw ko nga naririnig yung word na yun eh... pakiramdam ko kase kawawa ako pag ganun... Pakiramdam ko kase talunan ako everytime na sinasabihan ako ng sorry... then she kissed me and hugged me so tight... ewan ko ba pero bigla akong napaiyak... pakiramdam ko kase last kiss yun eh... sobrang umiyak din ako sa harapan nya... hindi ko napigilan... pakiramdam ko kase kung gaano kabilis sya dumating sa buhay ko, ganun din sya kabilis mawawala... Ayokong matakot sa kinabukasan pero noong mga oras na yakap nya ako, ganun ang pakiramdam ko... parang katapusan na agad ng hindi pa nasisimulan... sobrang takot ang naramdaman ko nun... na baka kinabukasan iba na ang lahat... baka ipo ipo nga lang to at pagdaan nya, tatangayin nya lahat ng saya na dinala nya tapos ay maiiwan na naman akong malungkot at nag-iisa... ayoko... ayokong matapos ito... pero sa pagtatapos ng iyakan naming dalawa, natulog pa rin kaming magkayakap at kumukuha ng lakas sa isa'isa...
Masaya naman ang mga sumusunod na kaganapan... DVD marathon kami sa bahay tapos food trip pa rin... Hindi sya nagkukwento tungkol sa nangyari sa kanila nun pare nya at ayaw ko naman magtanong... hindi pa siguro ako ready makinig... nakikita ko naman na she's trying to be okay and I take it as my responsibilty to help her get out of that misery... Sana lang talaga, natutulungan ko sya...
Kahapon, bago sya umuwi, sabi nya sakin may na-realize daw sya.... "Ayaw nyang mag-isa..."
{ mood } extremes
Posted by omiko under IT World
can you meet me halfway? i want you want you so bad.
alright, I've to lighten up. Just bruised my right knuckles punching the floor..for someone who never had to work all her life, being treated like an incompetent/unhelpful being by someone whose a thousand miles away from you and asking for a credit, is waaaaaay too much. now let me quote some random lines from people I encounter everyday. This post will be about unzipping your pants, unbuttoning you rblouse, blowing your nose and unhooking yor bra (for girls), in short this is a breather.
*the song, meet me halfway, i can't get enough of it specially the guy part after fergie's first solo part? it's so..moving. like if my guy sings it to me i'd definitely pull him right at a corner. waaaaah (happy thoughts..)
*kung walang bobo sa mundo-wala tayong trabaho! - Levi
*asawa nga nasusulot, gf/bf pa kaya?- Levi
*how come eggs get laid all the time?- Ron
*stop breathing my air!- Kim
*mama. koko. (loko)- baby Cia
*maluwag yan, maluwag, pasok lang ng pasok para sumikip. hahahahaha!-manong kundoktor
*ang galing, they're starting to name streets in Chinese.-Dimas (referring to Ped Xing at Roxas Blvd.)
*guy to barista: miss can i have some splendid pls? barista: sir? guy: the sweetener? hello? barista: ah splenda sir. guy: yun nga.- guy at starbucks
That's just a few. I'm running out of time now and about to go. Best bud will pick me up to get tickets for new moon.. Fiance sent an email complaining that he cannot reach my phone. And no one was answering our landline number. He was calling at 12mn, hello? Even the guard was asleep. tsk.
{ music } evrybody hear wants you- jeff buckley
{ mood } hungry
Posted by lifeisabitch
thanks to everyone who gave their hisses.
i'm frustrated. i have a pretty neat life and from above, i know that my angels are saying "everything may seem messed up but you're doing just fine." but here's the thing..it's been 11 months, 11 months since i last touched, saw, smelled and felt HIM. the one responsible for my sanity, the functioning of my brain, my heartbeats, my will to get up, and the proof that I'm alive. And because of that, this entry will be for all the days I caressed myself, closed me eyes and filled my thoughts of every move he made before, under the sheets, in our own little world.
1. he took me to the hospital when i raptured my eardrum, (cleaning w/ swabs).
2. he holds my hand on boat rides to prevent me from jumping off.
3. he sings to me when i ride infront of his bicycle to get my mind off when people stare at us.
4. he gives me his shirt to wipe my tears & cold when i start to miss my parents. he usually uses his hands when the shirt is soaked already.
5. he gave me the whole twilight books collection.
6. he pretended i was pregnant to get first in line at the grocery coz we were running late for class.
7. he prepared a meal for me when I couldn't chew my food because of a virus infection.
8. in relation to #7, he still called me beautiful though my face was swelling and my eyes were all red and watery.
9. he gave me a 3 fake black roses w/ a message "i will love you untill the roses die."
10. he carried me to my dorm room when i fainted in his car.
11. he throws stones at my dorm window and yells outside everyday so we could have breakfast,lunch, dinner and go to work together.
12. he sends flowers to my mom during occassions and emails my dad just to ask how they are.
13. he walks me to the beach when I'm sad.
14. he searched the whole town when he couldn't contact me, and it was raining.
15. he threw me a birthday party at the beach, at exactly 12 midnight.
16. he's willing to give up everything to be with me for eternity.
and now I'm too drained to type anything anymore. I could give thousands of reasons why he's the one.....
{ mood } like trying to shout and you're mute
Posted by lifeisabitch under thinking aloud
i hate you.
but
i hate myself more.
Posted by soulsmoker under my sweetest downfall
nilalaman sa utak ng isang baliw
navigate
Home
Profile
Gallery
Favorites
Friends
Friends of
Content
Links
Archives
categories
- broken inside.. bleeding
- hidden letters
- liner
- moving forward
- Nobela
- real world
- reel world
- tagtagan!
- the past
- timeline
- what I'm feeling
- workikay
content pages
communities
tag me
Create Your Badge
credits
Content © kidbaliw
Layout © Up4Grabs
Image © Stock Exchange
Pattern © Fractured Sanity
Image hosted by Photobucket
Font used is Scriptina
Site powered by Tabulas
Visit my plurk site Niceykels