Leave sya ngayon... wala akong kasama mag-lunch, wala akong kasabay umuwi... this is my time to think... to pause and reflect... sobrang naguguluhan na kase ako sa nararamdaman ko... hindi ko na maipaliwanag o hindi ko lang matanggap sa sarili ko na converted na talaga ako... ayokong entertain yung pakiramdam kase alam kong hindi pwede... ang hirap... buti sana kung lalake sya...
Matapos ang nakakabaliw na trip to tagaytay at ang mga random text messages, napatunayan kong hindi pala basta-basta tong nangyayari sa'min ngayon... apektado na kaming dalawa... mahirap kaseng ipaliwanag... tapos masyado kaming honest sa isa't isa kaya alam namin ang lahat ng nangyayari sa loob namin... nakakaramdam na sya ng guilt dahil pakiramdam nya nagiging unfair na sya sa gf nya... sorry sya ng sorry sa'kin dahil pakiramdam nya nagulo nya ang buhay ko... naiisip na nya na sana ako na lang ang gf nya kase marunong akong makinig... may tiwala ako sa kanya... kaya kong tumawa sa mga jokes nya... at nasasakyan ko ang kakulitan nya... parang ako ang LIFE'S LESS SERIOUS SIDE side nya... pero hindi nga ako ang girlfriend nya...
Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa'kin kaya kahapon habang magka-text kami napaiyak ako... hindi dahil nasasaktan ako kundi dahil gulung-gulo na ako sa nararamdaman ko... natural raction ng katawan ko kapag hindi ko na alam ang gagawin... gusto nya akong puntahan pero sinabi kong wag na... ayokong makita nya akong umiiyak... kahit nga si ex never akong nakitang umiiyak eh... hindi ko lang talaga naipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko kaya iniiyak o na lang...
Masarap sanang pakinggan na ako yung hinahanap nya pero hindi pwede... hindi ko rin alam kung kaya kong panindigan ang lahat ng ito... tsaka baka mamaya kung dadalhin namin sa susunod na level ang relasyon namin hindi mag-work out... natatakot ako... hindi ko rin alam kung ano tong nararamdaman ko...
Sana nga, it's just a phase!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"hmm.. naiisip ko kase na sana ikaw na lang gf ko.. masyado akong napagod sa nagyari sa'min ni gf.. dumating sa point na nawala tiwala nya sa'kin.. di ko alam kung mababalik pa.. parang di na kami honest sa isa't isa.. mahal nya ako, mahal ko din sya pero wala namang trust.. sa'yo pwede akong magsabi kahit ano.. Makikinig ka.. alam kong may tiwala ka sa'kin.. ewan ko ba.. I know it's wrong.. Siguro nagkakaganito lang ako kase nga napagod ako sa nangyari sa'min ni gf tapos sakto naging close tayo.. Napunta sa'yo atensyon ko.. wag ka aman sana magkwento kahit kanino about this.. Ayokong ma-stress tayo pareho.. di ba nga sabi mo, wag i-entertain yung feelings.. I'll work this out.."
----SanJo
{ mood } sad and confused
Posted by omiko under IT World
How could i be this weak?
I tried to kill it. God knows how much I tried. But it won't stop.
I call your name in silence. I cry in silence. I suffer in silence. I miss you in silence.
Somebody save me.
Posted by soulsmoker under my sweetest downfall
I have been quite busy this week that even my rest day was spent in the office. I received a call last Thursday from our Talent Acquisition team informing about, let's say, an opportunity for career growth. Like a hungry beast, I grabbed it! No signs of hesitation I hurriedly left the house after lunch. I wasn't nervous at all. All I felt was excitement. I could recall texting my friend that I was excited that I am currently on a bus thinking about the exam and interview. My friend was astounded that I was the only person he knew who got excited for an exam. May be I really missed taking exams? Arriving at the office I saw my colleague. He too was applying for the same post. With lack of sleep, we took the exam. Product knowledge and technical skills was a piece of cake, well, talking from experience. But, the logic and IQ test twisted my brain. It almost locked up, like Windows when it encounters an error. It is really hard to absorb and process things when you lack sleep.
After the exam next comes the interview. I already know the interviewer from HR since all this time that I am applying for higher post she was the same person whom I landed on as interviewee. Really funny thing that she said, “Oh, it's you again! You look familiar!” A little be insulted, I replied. “Yeah, you're the same TA who was processing my application.” Then she smiled then we laughed. I waited for the result of the exam and initial interview. It felt like I am starting again trying to get a job.
I passed the exam and interview. Now I need to accomplish my recommendation form. That day felt like “A series of unfortunate events”. Let me enumerate.
1. I am awake for more than 24 hours.
2. My interview ended 7pm, I need to wait for my supervisor to arrive 11pm.
3. I tried sleeping in our snooze box but it was freezing cold. I wasn't able to sleep. I lay there wide awake.
4. After waiting for almost 4 hours, supervisor texted me telling me that he couldn't come to work because he has asthma attacks.
5. I asked my former supervisor if he could sign my recommendation form, but it turned out that he has high fever and couldn't come to work as well.
6. I asked my other former supervisor but he said that he will go on half day which I wouldn't be able to wait for him.
7. Good thing my first supervisor was there to sign in behalf. I submitted this to our operations manager. It turned out that I have to wait for an hour because they have conference call.
8. The conference call lasted for more than an hour. My head was spinning, I was hungry as well.
She signed the form and I hurriedly rushed home. I was able to bump to our former trainer and he said he will be expecting us in that account. I was relieved. I slept in the but like who the hell cares if I would snore or if my saliva would dribble down my chin while my mouth was wide open.
I was scheduled to return next for my final interview. This time I felt uneasy. Mixed feeling of excitement and nervousness. I manage to pull it off. “Congratulations” was the word I was waiting for.
“I know you gave your trust to me. I won't disappoint you. I'll do my best.”
This entry contained scripting, which has been removed for your safety. Click here to see the entry in its entirety.
{ music } Tonigh FM static
Posted by im_a_creep
Yan ang eksaktong salita kung paano nya gustong i-describe ang current status namin... Pero mahirap maging cool lalo na kapag alam kong may kakaibang transformation na nangyayari sa sarili ko...
Matapos nya akong iwasan ng halos 2 araw parang hindi nya ako natiis... Magkasabay kami pumunta sa mrt noong linggo para umuwi... ako sa tagaytay, sya naman sa San Juan... Kasama nya yung isa naming teammate na papunta din north... Nagbayad na kami at naghiwalay na ng escalator... ako sa kanan, sila sa kaliwa... Malapit na ako sa taft ave. station nung tumawag sila at nagsabing hintayin ko daw sila para kumain... Kahit medyo nawierdohan ako sa kanila, hinintay ko pa rin sila... next train bumaba na sila tapos kumain kami sa mcdo... bumalik na naman ang kakulitan nya... dahil problemado yung isa namin teammate pinapayuhan namin sya... pero in between serious lines palaging may bloopers kaya tawa kami ng tawa sa loob ng mcdo... walang pakiaalam kahit pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga taong gusto lamang mag-almusal don... tumagal siguro kami ng 2 oras dun tsaka namin naisipang umuwi na... isasakay lang daw nila ako ng bus tapos itong si teammate1 biglang nagatanong kung kelan kaya sya makakapunta sa tagaytay dahil hindi pa daw sya nakakapunta dun... Sbi ko naman, ngayon na... Why not!... Aba at pumayag nga ang mga IT... so kasama ko silang umuwi sa tagaytay...
Sa byahe, masyado kaming makulit... bumalik na uli sya sa dati... hindi siguro makatiis na hindi ako kulitin... Masaya ako na okay na uli kami pero kinakabahan ako sa kung ano man ang nabubuong pakiramdam ko... Baby's day out pa yung movie sa bus... tawa tuloy kami ng tawa lalo... my god!... sobrang nae-enjoy ko ang company nya talaga... mahirap tuloy i-distinguish kung friendly feelings lang yung meron sa'min o there's something else... kumain lang kami sa bahay, nakiligo sya tapos nagkwentuhan lang... yung balak nilang pumunta sa picnic grove para mamasyal hindi na natuloy... next time na lang daw pagbalik nila... Nakakatawa kase parang hinatid lang nila ako sa bahay... nakakatawa kase parang yun pa yung naging susi para lalo kaming maging malapit sa isa't isa... At sikreto lang ang pagpunta namin dun... walang tropa ko ang dapat makaalam dahil issue na naman yun... Ang hirap umiwas!!!
Tapos maghapon kaming magkatext ngayon.. kung anu anu lang... tapos napunta na naman sa posibilidad na ma-convert ako at ang pag-iwas nya... na ayaw kong payagan dahil hindi naman valid yung reason nya para umiwas ako... Bukod sa ayaw nya ma-convert ako, ayaw na nya na sweet ako sa kaya at ayaw na rin nya na masyado akong concern sa kanya, ayaw na rin daw nya na magse-send ako ng masyadong patama na qoutes... Ang reason nya, kung magpapatuloy daw ako sa mga ganun kong gawain, baka ma-fall na daw sya sa'kin... natatawa ako sa reason nya pero parang kinilig rin ako ng onti... palagi nya akong tinatanong kung converted na daw ba ako o may gusto na daw ako sa kanya?... nagbigay ako ng reason at sagot na alam kong gusto at dapat nyang marinig... sinabi kong ganun din ako sa lahat ng friends ko, sweet, concern at palaging nagse-send ng mga kung anu anong quotes... hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya na naguguluhan na talaga ako sa nararamdaman ko dahil malamang hindi na naman nya ako kakausapin kapag nagkita uli kami... Sinabi ko rin sa kanya na wag nyang entertain yung feelings para hindi lumaki... mukhang na-convince ko aman sya sa naging sagot ko... kaya ngayon cool lang kami... super cool na hindi na namin alam kung saan kami pupulutin kapag nagpatuloy pa kami sa pagiging malapit sa isa't isa...
Tinatanong ko nga ang sarili ko ngayon kung kaya ko ba ang consequence ng pagiging converted?... kaya ko na bang masaktan uli?... kaya ko na bang buksan uli ang puso ko?... Gaano na ba kabukas ang utak ko sa same sex relationship?... kaya ko bang mang-agaw para lang maging masaya ako?...
Kailangan ko ng sagot... hindi ko na alam kung kanino ako lalapit... bago sa'kin tong pakiramdam na to... hindi ko nga matukoy kung ano eh... baka mamaya, natutuwa lang ako sa kanya kase bago... hindi ko alam... kailangan ko ng matinong sagot...
{ music } cool-gwen stefani
{ mood } super confused
Posted by omiko under IT World
I want to get married.
Someday I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother.
I'm scared. I am so scared that it will never happen. I am so scared that I might grow old alone.
I see my world slowly getting smaller and smaller. I have no control of how I feel. I have no control of my emotions.
I'm tired. I'm tired of beinga anxious all the time. I'm tired of always second guessing the things that will happen. I'm tired of defending the rotten situation I am in. And I'm tired of being unhappy. I am tired of trying to fight the feeling of regrets I am feeling over choosing somebody else. I am tired of trying to defend the decisions I made. None of them were right.
I am in a rotten situation. I am with a guy who says he loves me and yet couldn't see me anywhere near his future. Yet I still opt to stay. I still opt to join this silly game. I still stay, anxiously awaiting when he might crack. When will he find the one and finally leave me.
I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much already. I don't want to be scared anymore. It stops me from being alive. I want to go back where I was when I knew who I really am. I wanna believe that I can be happy. That I can find love again because countless times I lost love and yet it manages to find me again.
God, pls help me. I know what I need to do. But the hope remains in me. That one day, this man I now love will love me more than anything in this world. And that one day he would want no one else but me to be his wife.
I know this is an illusion for me. I know that no matter what I do, I cannot make anyone love me if he really doesn't. God, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Pls, pls,.. give me a push. Give me a hand to get out of this mess I created for myself. Let me be strong enough to admit I made a mistake. That this is a mistake.
Now I know what hurts more than someone who cheated and lied to you. It's when you love someone, but there's no way you can ever make them love you back,..
Posted by spoiledbaby
Seryosong bagay na daw ito, sabi mo... Mukhang iba na kase yung sitwasyon... Akala ko pa naman madali lang mabuhay sa paligid mo... Hindi pala... Tsaka ang alam ko sa sarili ko bago kita makilala hindi ko preference ang mga tulad mo... Wala akong itinago sa'yo... Lahat ng mga worries ko tungkol sa issue sa ating dalawa o yung mga iniisip ng mga tao sa totoong score sa bigla nating pagiging malapit sa isa't isa, lahat sinabi ko sa'yo yun... Kase alam kong ikaw lang ang pwede kong sabihan nun ngayon na walang bias judgement... Alam kong mas alam mo kung ano ang dapat gawin sa sitwasyon kase halos lahat siguro napagdaanan mo na tungkol sa ganitong mga pagkakataon... Komportable akong sabihin sa'yo lahat ng nasa loob ko dahil alam kong maiintindihan mo...
Tapos.......
Bigla ka na lang nag-sorry sakin dahil sabi mo, nagulo mo ang mundo ko... Humingi ako nang paliwanag... Sabi mo kung hindi naman ako naging malapit sa'yo hindi sila magdududa sa preference ko... Tapos sabi mo hindi mo na ako kukulitin... Natatakot ka na kase na baka ma-convert mo na nga ako... Sinabi kong wala silang pakiaalam pero parang nakagawa ka na ng desisyon mo... Sumunod na araw na nagkita tayo, parang hindi na ikaw yung taong huli kong nakausap sa pag-uwi natin kahapon... Pakiramdam ko, gumawa ka na talaga ng distansya sa pagitan nating dalawa... Hindi mo ako iniiwasan pero hindi ka na nangungulit sakin tulad ng dati... Parang may malaking parte ng araw ko ang nawala dahil bigla ka na lang naging ganyan... Ngayon, dahil sa ginagawa mo, lalo tuloy akong nagdududa sa sarili ko... Pakiramdam ko, may posibilidad talaga na magpalit ang preference ko... Tapos kung kailan kailangan ko ng tulong mo tsaka mo pa naisipang umiwas... Sino na sasabihan ko ngayon ng trouble ko tungkol sa preference ko?... Paano nga kung posible talaga?... May magagawa ka ba?...
Nga pala......
Nakakaramdam na rin ako ng selos kapag may ibang lumalapit sa'yo... Pakiramdam ko kase lahat yun gustong maging girlfriend mo... Ayoko silang makita at nasisira ang araw ko... Tulad kanina, yung babaeng pula ang buhok na nasa istasyon mo, gusto ko syang kalbuhin... Haaaayssss... Ano ba'ng ginawa mo sa'kin?...
p.s.
Thank you nga pala sa chocolate brownies na binili mo para sa dessert kanina... kahit na hindi ka na ganun kakulit, sweet ka pa rin...
{ mood } jealous
Posted by omiko under IT World
i learned that i can live without you but just do not want to.
i learned that you are a beautiful blue sky in summer, untainted.
i learned that you are the wind that makes the brown leaves fall from their branches, gentle.
i learned that you are the silence of old corridor halls, full of memories.
i learned that you are the noise of children laughing, euphoric.
there is no point denying that i love you.
i learned that my love for you is beyond social expectations.
i learned that my love for you does not entail ownership.
i learned that my love for you transcends cliche.
i learned that being away for awhile makes me love you more.
i learned that i may get hurt in the process but will still persevere.
i learned that i love you enough to be there for you but will give you the freedom to be happy.
there are no more rules with how i feel.
i learned that you are the stories at the back of my heart, waiting to be written.
i learned that you are the unforgiving rain which i want to die with.
i learned that you are the only one person i would rather break my heart.
i learned that even if we are two parallel lines, i want to try to prove the equation that allowed us to meet.
these are my lessons;
but these are not enough to describe how you have changed me.
{ music } the series soundtrack
{ book } the god of small things again
{ show } CSI Miami
Posted by soulsmoker under my sweetest downfall
Mahirap bigyan ng kahulugan ang mga bagay na ginagawa nya... Commited pa sya eh... kahit na sabihin ng marami na parang wala na lang yung relasyon nila... Tsaka, kaya ko bang pumasok sa isang relasyon na hindi naman tanggap ng karamihan?... Tsaka, sya na rin mismo ang nagsabi sa'kin na hwag akong magpapa-convert eh...
Pero...
Kapag kasama ko sya masaya ako... Nakakalimutan ko na nga minsan ang mga tao sa paligid eh... hindi ako inlove sa kanya pero alam kong espesyal sya sa'kin... at least, sa panahong ito... mahirap ipaliwanag pero baka natutuwa lang ako sa atensyon na ibinibigay sa'kin nung tao...
Ngunit...
Mahirap na uling sumugal... lalo na sa isang hindi pa pangkaraniwan sa paningin ng mga tao... baka sa huli ako lang maging talunan uli... hindi ito yung bagay na kailangan mong ipaglaban sa mga tao sa paligid mo... At least, base sa paniniwala ko... basta... hindi ko rin nakita ang sarili ko sa hinaharap na may ganong uri ng relasyon... baka out of curiousity pwede ko pang gawin yon pero kung seryoso parang malabo... pwedeng magbago ang panahon pero hindi pwedeng magbago ang Rule of Nature na "ang babae ay para sa lalake at ang lalake ay para sa babae." Kapag nabago yun, mawawala ang balance of nature at mawawalan ng saysay ang kaibahan ng reproductive system ng babae sa lalake...
Subalit...
Panahon lang ang makakapagsabi kung hanggang saan aabot ang mga nangyayari ngayon sa'kin... pwedeng oo, pwedeng hindi... pero pwede rin naman na manatili kami sa friendship level para hindi maging kumplikado ang lahat...
+++++++++++++++++++++++
p.s.
Salamat pala sa Hersheys chocolate nung break tsaka sa chocolate covered polvoron nung lunch... magkaka-diabetes na ako kapag palaging ganito... haha...
{ music } 311 music
{ mood } confused?
Posted by omiko under IT World
nilalaman sa utak ng isang baliw
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