Entries for June, 2009
I was sick last night. I was home alone yesterday and literarily I am alone. Every now and then I'll wake up crying for pain. I can't find anybody to seek for any help and my fever was way too high. I can't withstand it and there's no medicine around to cure it.
The last 2 hours of my sleep..
I saw him who left a scar on me recently. I can't really remember what exactly was my scene with him but as far as I know, it's him. As usual, he left me in my dream.
But what really hurt me more is that at the back of my mind, how I wished it was real.
Knowing it will never be... ever.
{ music } A little not too over you by David Archuleta | Come back to me by David Cook | Hintay by Callalily
{ show } Bokbok's playlist
{ mood } sick
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
On my way home I realized that should have been living my life this way all along.
No worries. Tired from work. Listening to loud rock music. Going out with friends after shift..
Speaking of friends, let me share some of our pics that I took when we had a lunch at Redbox in Greenbelt.
It was KC's idea that I 'should' stay and do a 'call in' if possible or else.. hehe. Nah. Just kidding! I just miss being with Mhen & KC. It's been a month since we had our last drinking spree. Anyways, I decided to stay and sing out my heart's out. Well at least they are happy knowing that I'm trying to live my life and move on. They keep on saying that I look great and all that *yeah right*, hmmm.. most of the people did notice that. Well I'm sorry coz I don't. Haha!
I loved it when KC sang a song especially for me. Well I liked the lyrics by the way! Hehe. I think I'll find that song and insert it to Bokbok. 
Whatever I'm doing right now is much more easier than before. I can manage to control whatever impulsive feeling arises knowing that it's not worth it. Besides, life has so much to offer to me. It's always a fresh new start after a tragic ending. Now I can say I'm pretty coping up and taking one step at a time. I guess that's how it goes and I should just accept it wholeheartedly.
Also, when I was travelling home I just realized something on how to get it over completely. It do sound harsh but that's my way in moving on. Before when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend, it took me 3 days to finally get over with. For real! You know what I did? I pretended that he passed away and never coming back ever. It was good. xoxo
Next was my second boyfriend that took me a year to get over with. I was super attatched to him and my sister saw all my mournings I did almost every night. I tried to run away but wherever I go, I still linger for him. What realy sucks was we made 'our' plans like the name of our children, house rules, chores and all that. We both love watching movie, so it's either we stay at moviehouse or just watch and cuddle alone in my crib. He also knows how to play a guitar and I'm a sucker for guitarman. We shared a lot of songs together and compiled it in a CD.
Oh well, past is past. I really don't remember what triggered our break up but as far as I can remember, he became too distant with me and then I got busy with my work.. that's how things got complicated.
Now (I'm sorry for a long introduction) like what I had mentioned, I realized how to get over him all through out. It's kinda harsh again but I think it will be easier for me to move on.
Well I will not tell you guys what I realized till I'm done with it.. I'm in that first stage and we'll see if it's going to work. This was my decision. It was hard at first but in the process, I'm getting used to it and besides I keep on learning from whatever I experienced from the past.
*Sayang lang kasi kung kelan ako naging sure and ready to be serious, napurnada pa*
I guess it's not my time to do such thing. There's tons of fishes in the water, so the waters I will test.
{ music } Bokbok - ##e## Playlist - *currently playing* Nobela by Join The Club
{ mood } peaceful
Posted by kidbaliw under Nobela
I had a goosebumps when I saw the trailer of New Moon. My tears fell in an instant for a reason I don't understand. As I said before, the most emotional story in Twilight Saga. I was also flooded with flashback of memories.
There were really instances that while I was reading the book, I can feel Bella's angst.
How far can we go in loving a person? Why so many people hold on to it even though it only brings them bitternes and tragic endings? Are you willing to go to the extreme for the one you love?
What if they had decided to leave you helpless and off guard? Will you still love them despite what they did?
**I'm going to make sure that I'll watch this on big screen!!!**
{ music } Ikaw Lamang by Silent Sanctuary
{ book } New Moon
{ mood } pensive
Posted by kidbaliw under reel world
Natawa nalang talaga ako sa F1 category ko. Parang are you sure that was my call? lol Knowing na I'm one of the bitchesang TSS sa floor? (daming Tier 1 nga nababad trip sa akin) Nah. Ewan ko ba, nakita ko yang comment na yan sa tatlong consecutive calls ko for last week and this week. Well actually, never ko pa napapakinggan yung call na yun. Titingin lang ako ng scorecard ko online pag may time. Lagi kasi ako busy doing the admin works kaya madalang na ako nakaka pag tabulas. Unlike before na updated ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko at buhay ng ibang bloggers.
Saka simula nung nag GY (graveyard) shift na ako, nagbago na talaga takbo ng lifestyle ko. Like pag RD, nung morning ako lagi ako nasa mall.. ngayon lagi ako nasa room ko, tulog or listening kay bokbok. Syempre hindi nawawala yung hobby ko na magpa salon no.
I'm proud to say na I'm very at peace na. People around me keeps on giving me positive complement na I look better now than before nung nasa kabaliwan stage ako. Minsan, I'm seeing some weird looks pero I just ignore them nalang. Meron pa sa elevator, nagpakilala sa akin akala niya taga ** ako (yung kapit-bahay na account namin). I just smiled and yun.. keme! Har! Har!
Nakakatulog na ako ng mahimbing, I don't caught myself staring anywhere blankly at never na ako nakakafeel ng crazy feeling.
Siguro nga my heart had finally moved on and accepted what my mind is telling to it all along. Whatever we had before will never change anyway. Ngayon mas accepted ko na ang lahat. Mga realization na may kasunod na *uu nga no?*, mga puzzle sa utak ko na ngayon lang nabubuo at nakikita ko ang kasagutan.
For now, I do not feel angry anymore. Kung ginawa niya yun, fine. It was his choice and beside we have the free will to do whatever we want. The love we shared was never for keeps (which before I kept on insisting to myself na for keeps siya), why? Because ngayon ko lang nakita na everything started wrong. We were both lying to each other. Dami kong gusto ikwento pero siguro sa personal blog ko nalang ipopost.
I saw him yesterday nung pauwi na ako. I saw kasi yung shawarma store na binibilhan namin bago kami pumasok nung morning kami. I was kinda reminiscing noong biglang nakita ko siya naglalakad papasok siya. Wala lang. Wala na akong naramdaman na kakaiba. I don't have the urge to send him an sms na 'uy, nakita kita ah. miss u". He's like any normal guys na nakita ko sa daan.
I'm finally moving on because I know to the fact na we're not really meant for each other. Magsama na sila, do whatever they want. Make plans and all that. I don't care. I'm over it. This is the time na sinasabi ko na pag nawala na yung love ko sa isang tao, hindi na maibabalik kahit magcartwheel ka pa sa harap ko.
He took me for granted. I got tired and fed up sa nangyayari sa amin. He can't make any decision. I told him I can't wait forever. He asked me to marry him and build a family.
Yet he don't have any guts to leave her and be true to himself and to me.
***
I had finally decided to leave and there's no turning back. Although it's hard to get away from the habit I used to do but moving forward it's for my own good. I have other things to do, I'll prepare whatever is needed, take the course and go.
I wish you're happy with whatever you have right now.*I doubt kung hindi no*
Thanks for hurting me coz I'm stronger and maturer than before. Whatever I had decided was for my own good. Eventually, the greener pasteur will lead me to the person who will accept me and love me till the end. When that comes, I will love him more than anything else and I know I will be more crazier than I did with you.
{ music } Never Ever - Ciara
{ book } New Moon
{ mood } happy
Posted by kidbaliw under moving forward, Nobela
I was busy reading again Stephenie Meyer's New Moon when I heard a familiar song with Bokbok. After 4 years, I heard again this line:
"Sa uulitin muli makapiling ka sa bawat sandali
hindi maitatanggi langit
sayong mga mata at mga labi
sana noon pa naranasan
Hinding-hindi ipagpapalit
kailan man"
I got really perked up and giggly as I checked Bokbok if I was able to sync the CD that I had kept in my drawer 4 years ago. I thought I wasn't able to store it and unexpectedly, I did!
Flashback of memories played in my mind. My first real love wherein my heart got really broken for the first time. Speaking of first time, I had a lot of 'first' memories with him. *well set aside whatever comes in your mind first.. hmf* He was the first guy I had the most unforgetable 'first' moment in the rain. Also, when I was sick he was the guy who cooked food for me. The very first guy that I had introduced to my folks as my legal boyfriend. As an add on, I will never forget the moment I had with him under the stars and the waves..
But good things comes to an end.. as always!
Honestly, I don't remember any detailed memories that I had with him. I even remembered that he told me to forget him. So I did. I burned all the pages of my diary and since I was kinda harsh on myself on how to forget them.. I was able to forget him the way he wanted it to be.
Before I get really gloomy whenever rain pours down heavily. I had a lot of good memories with him and the rain will always remind me the love I had given to him.
I never thought that I'll be this happy again after burning whatever I had with him. I can't help but smile as I reminisce all those sweet moments I had with him.
Here's the playlist of the songs for him:
I don't want to miss a thing - Aerosmith
Akap - Imago
No ordinary love - MYMP
Especially for you - MYMP
Say it - Voices of theory
Once in a lifetime - Freestyle
No one else comes close - Joe
Your love - Alamid
Love moves in mysterious ways - MYMP
Get me - MYMP
More than words - Extreme
Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
The day you said goodnight - Hale
Miss you - MYMP
Tattoed in my mind - Dsound
Sa uulitin - Mojofly
Stay - Cueshe
Wheverever he is, I'm glad that our paths crossed even for a while. I'm aware that it was my fault which led to our bitter goodbye. He was hurt *yes I know* yet he was mean when he spoke those words as he bid goodbye to me.
My first heartache. First cut. Real emotions. xoxo
How ironic coz the moment I started to write this blog, it rained. Nice!
*I can't believe that I can share this to my blog after 4 years with a giggly feeling*
{ music } Boo's playlist | iTunes
{ book } New Moon
{ mood } giggly
Posted by kidbaliw under the past
I logged out early last Sunday production due to heavy nausea. I was really way too out of myself for the past 2 days. Thanks to Sup Duane & Judd who had given me the permission to go home during that time. I hate it when our clinic just gave me three medicine to take knowing that I wasn't fit to work. lol
Since I logged out early and it was scary to travel home around 3:17 am, Casey accompanied me and we had our breakfast at Gloria Jean's in Glorietta. Talked about whatever but most likely about work.. work.. work! hehe.
I wanted to say thanks to him as well for the concern every now and then asking how am I feeling last Sunday. He's like a little brother to me and we usually have a breakfast either during my lunch or after my shift. Although I wish Mhen's also on a graveyard shift so that it will be easier for us to pig out and enjoy a lot of drinking spree!
Also, I feel so proud of myself because I was able to budget my money that I got from last payday. No existing debt for the meantime and after paying Bokbok completely after three months I'll get myself an iPod Touch. Woohoo! Just for kicks I guess. hehe.
Work harder. Indulge myself in shopping. *winks!
This is the way how I live my life... single and carefree!
...yet my daddy wanted me to settle down and conceive a child while we were having our lunch today *daddy, la nga ako boyplen.. adik ka! adik! labyu!* Guess what? My mommy agreed. Syet!
{ music } I'll never break your heart & More than that by BSB (greatest hits)
{ book } New Moon
{ mood } hopeful
Posted by kidbaliw under moving forward
It was raining hard last night when I went to work. Good thing that I wasn't late on that shift. I smiled at Rom when I saw him and he said, "Nicey, we're good." I replied, "That's good news, nice!". He answered back, "Nicey, can you slap me hard on my face? This is for all the jerks like me!".
I was tempted to do so. Internalizing everything and I was thinking if I'll slap him for real.
I just said, "No, it's okay. Besides I don't want to create a scene here. They might give me some behavioral warning. Hehe".
Then he asked me to look at his notepad.
******* (whatever message.. sorry can't say it here)
"Nicey, do you know this song?" Rom asked. "What song?" I answered back.
Teardrops on my guitar
Taylor Swift
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without
Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do
Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do
So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
Since we have a limited browsing capability at the office, I just listened to the song at home. I downloaded the song, unexpectedly teardrops fell on my cheeks.
Sigh. *Langya ka Rom, hayup!*
{ music } Teardrops on my guitar | Taylor Swift
{ book } New Moon by stephenie Meyer
{ mood } gloomy
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
I was feeling depressed a while ago and actually I was about to post something here until my browser didn't work properly and well I wasn't able to save it.
<ding>
Romnardo was online and asked how am I. Well I did mentioned whatever bothers to me early on and let me share some of the discussions that we have and it really touched my heart. We share a lot of common things and I'm glad that we're friends. Anyways, here it is:
Then I came to realized that I should stop myself completely. It is really hard but I should be doing it. I'm fed up and feels very numb to all the pain I'm going through. I kept on giving a chance yet I always end up being hurt.
I know I'll find a way to get out of this completely. It's like a drug that it is so hard to take away from my system. Rom was right, I do deserve something real and right.
How am I going to believe him yet constantly he keeps on lying to me? I know he's still undecisive and what hurts me most is that he does things that makes me fall hard to him.
{ music } Anino by Slapshock
{ mood } nausea
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
I'm tired.
I know I don't deserve this but I can't get over it. I'm really confuse and I hate it coz I don't have any means to let it out. No one will ever understand how I really feel inside.
I love him but I can't fight anymore for him. I have been badly hurt by all the things he did and constantly doing to me.
Why does it has to be this complicated?
{ music } heavily broken by the veronicas
{ book } new moon
{ mood } annoyed
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
"I can't stand you frowning the last time I saw you. Dapat nung isang araw ko pa gagawin yun after shift mo, kaya sabi ko pumasok ka. Pero it's okey, kasi nagawa ko pa rin."
Well it was a subtle surprise for me. *winks!
After myshift, we went on a brekkie at Starbucks somewhere in Makati. We had my favorite Hot White Mocha Chocolate and his favorite, Strawberry waffle.
Sound trip lang saka usap about our life when we were kids, mga kalokohan and all that. How he denies na fan xa ng Moffats.. Paano sabi ko kasi fan ako before ng BSB no. lol He gave me 'pinky', gulat nga ako. In fairness, kulay pink.. sabi ko, ay girl na girl lang? haha. Niloloko ko lang siya, tinotoo? Well, salamat tsong! At least may kasama na si Bokbok, yehey! Guys, meet pinky..
Tapos we went on walking kasi sabi niya pupunta nga daw kami sa Glorietta kasi need niya ipaayos headphones niya. Then ayun, napadpad kami sa isang park in the middle of buildings and all that. Being in that place, grabe.. kakaibang peace naramdaman ko. Parang ang simple simple lang ng buhay, may kuliglig, mabangong simoy ng mga damo saka kulitan galore na usapan namin. May time na ninais ko na sana ganun lagi yung laman ng bubbles ko, walang bahid ng complikasyon sa buhay. Pero kung ano man nasa isip niya para mapasaya ako, ayos! Taas kamay si Watashi!! haha.
Here's a glimpse of the place:
Weird lang kasi yung mga isda, sinusundan kami. I will definitely will keep on coming back at this place. hihi!
I'm lookin forward to see his second favorite place. Haha! Sana kasama si Mhen next time.. well goodluck nalang sa magiging outcome ng new skeds next month. syetness!
{ music } MYMP playlist (pinasimunuan niya.. d ako! lol)
{ book } New Moon
{ mood } happy
Posted by kidbaliw under moving forward
When things get awfully tiring, seek for silence. Most of the time, the loudest lessons are found at the most quiet corners of our lives.
I've been enjoying being quiet in a corner these past few days.Whether at work or just going out, I would definitely pick a place where there's a sound of silence. Thinking over things while listening to Bokbok as he plays the 2 albums of The Veronicas. Honestly, I'm really hooked with their songs. I never get tired listening to them whether I'm processing admin works, travelling home and before going to sleep.
As much as I wanted to take it, it only brings pain to me. Maybe I expected too much that he will catch me.. I was wrong. Now here I am rising from the hardest fall I had in my life. Whatever happened to me just recently really moved me. I was burned so much and I learned from it the hard way.
This song embraced my insane heart and I caught myself sobbing in tears again early on when I was in the sleeping room with Rose early on.
You know I love you, I really do
But I can't fight anymore for you
And I don't know, maybe we'll be together again
Sometime, in another life
In another life (another life)
It's like there's a huge hole in my life right now and I have to accept that my other half is now back to it's home. I need to accept that whatever happened just recently was just an intensity that was felt during that moment... not forever. It will never ever change whatever situation we're in. Never.
I was amazed that he felt that I was his soulmate because I do feel the same way too... until now.
But I decided that I'll just face the unknown life all by myself... and be quiet.
{ music } In another life by The Veronicas
{ book } New Moon | Harry Potter Book 2
{ mood } jealous
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
As I fully learn the art of letting go, I had decided to shut myself inside the wall I had created. Also, I'll try not to talk about it with my friends. I wish they do realize that asking me questions how am I or how I feel will only make it worst. Living this pain inside of me is like a stage four disease that kills me inside and I'm dying day by day. I thought I was healed and then he came around like a thief in the night that shattered my life again. I'm too tired to mend it again however, my hands are no longer capable of bring it back how it was before. I feel lost and very weak inside and I have to wear that fake smile so people around me will stop asking those questions.
It's hard to lose someone that you loved much but its harder to pretend that you have moved on from the pain..
I guess I'll be living this pain for a long time till it hurts no more.
{ music } Feels like tonight by Daughtry
{ book } New Moon by Stephenie Meyer | Harry Potter Book 2
{ mood } nauseated
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
New shift. New Shit.
I was asleep for 13 hours yesterday and it feels so good. I even saw ##e## in my dreams and yes I can honestly say that we're in good terms as friends this days. As far as I can remember, he was lying on my bed and we're just embracing each other. He tried to kiss me but I hold back. Well at least even in my dreams he's a friend to me and comforted me in my sweet escape. I miss the times where we'll just sing together while he plays my guitar and enjoying the bright night full of stars. We tried to patch things up but I don't want to get myself be involved in anymore. I would rather keep him as a friend instead.. At least we're good now after the not so good break up thingy.
New Shift. New Shit.
It's really hard to keep everything to yourself. People do noticed that I'm not in my usual self this days. I'm always quiet and I don't talk too much. My mind is pretty cloudy but I know I'm alright. It's just maybe my eyes don't lie that's why Mark told me that there was something wrong in me. Well I still shut my mouth to whatever bugs me inside. This was one of the changes that I did to myself. I'll be more reserved than I was before. No one will ever know what really lies inside my head. I deserve a break after living a complicated life for five months. Now I have to face the unknown on my own. It's better this way.. living in silence.
Just wanted to share the breakfast I had with chet, lenie, yen and arlyn. We went to Sbarro (near JG Summit) and become a bummer at Starbucks Columns. Lenie and I went home around 4PM. hehe. At least I have people around me who are always there and because of them my mind is being diverted to happiness for a while. Thanks girls!!
{ music } Best I ever had by Vertical Horizon
{ book } New Moon by Stephenie Meyer | Harry Potter Book 2
{ show } NSI's Cheerdance
{ mood } blank
Posted by kidbaliw under moving forward
Fun! Fun! Fun!
June 26, 2009
Since restday ko naman, i decided na pumunta kina Toots para naman maging happy ako no. Eion. Most of the people who attended were Tier 1 and TSS graveyard folks. Kasama sina Judd at JB as a representative for supervisors. Haha! Maraming drama akong nakita doon grabe. Kaloka! Never ko malilimutan when the BSB (Backstreet Boys) Album was played nung pagabi na. Hala. Nagsipaglabasan ang mga BSB at heart that night. Especially when the song "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)" ang pinatugtog, hala.. tawa na kami ng tawa! Xempre hindi papahuli yung mga badet, nagsayaw din sila nung pinatugtog na yun Spice Girls. Hehe.
Nang biglang dumating si QA Jujo, ayun na nagkantahan na sila.
Sabi ko iidlip lang ako.. hala at 8:30 AM na nang nagising ako. Well at least nagpaalam naman ako sa house so nothing to worry.
Anyways here's the 1/4 of the gazillion pixies nung party. Thanks to Frances and Arlyn's camera.
{ music } Quit Playing Games (with my heart) by Backstreet Boys
{ book } New Moon by Stephenie Meyer | HarryPotter Book 2
{ mood } amused
Posted by kidbaliw under workikay
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