Entries for May, 2009
My wish came true.
It rained during my birthday! I'm a sucker believer that when it rains during your birthday, there are many blessings to come. Yay!
Also, I'm pretty happy for the effort and everything! I even thought the trip will be cancelled because of heavy downpur of rain on the scheduled day.
Two days and one night of summer escapade away from work. I did enjoy it very much!! I loved the gift I got during my day.
But reality bites, I need to accept that sometimes we need to give up something to make it right. I think it over a million times when I walked along the shore early in the morning. I've been deciding on in last week if I shoud push on it further because it aint right and this is not me.
Anyway, I wanted to use this post to say whatever inside my crazy mind right now for him:
Thank you for loving me and being there whenever I need a listening ear. I appreciate how you keep my secrets and giving me advices about life and all that. I regret for whatever I did in the past which led us to our situation right now. It was my fault because I lied to you. I was unaware that I was falling for you deeply and I took you for granted for whatever reason of selfishness I had.
I envy her so much.
Here I am, I'll try my very best to take you away from my system. I really don't know how but I know this is what "I" should do. I tried and risk it all yet I lose.
You will always be the one who broke into my wall and seen the real me. I've never been this way to any man I had loved in my life. I know I can't have you back.
I wanted to but I know you can't.
I had fun being with you and I hope we can do that again. I tried not to worry about whatever but I can't help it.
That's why I had decided into something when I left you early in the morning while you were sleeping.
I love you my heroin so much.. farewell.
{ music } It ends tonight | All American Rejects
{ show } Grey's Anatomy Season 3
{ mood } sniff! sniff! sniff!
Posted by kidbaliw under what I'm feeling, broken inside.. bleeding, moving forward
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again
It's a shame, it's a shame
It's a perfect shame
Creep under my door and we do it again, oh
It's easy and easy and easy and easy
And creepy and creepy and creepy, oh
Again, again, again, again
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again
Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name
It's stupid how we always seem to do it again, oh
You're so stupid and perfect
And stupid and perfect
I hate you, I want you
I hate you, I hate you, oh
Again, again, again, again
La, la, la
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again
*******************************
Benefits.
We all wanted to get the most of the benefits that we can get in whatever situation we are in. People aim for more and if possible they wanted it all to enjoy the pleasure of life.
While we were walking, I was craving for a hot white mocha chocolate and asked Bon if they can dropped me in any Starbucks somewhere in Alabang.
However, when James butt in about his point of view, the word 'benefit' tattooed in my mind. It took me a while to digest and fully understand his thoughts and then a realizaion came up. The next moment all I can remember was I wanted to have a couple of drinks somewhere at Festival Mall..alone.
I miss going out and staying in a bar all alone. Whenever I have the chance, I just wander my eyes, just observing and listening to any band music (preferably rock band) as I try to think over things with my life's shit. I got my self a shot of Vodka and a bucket of San Mig Lights with my cigarette on the side. I even caught the vocalist staring at me. I just stared him back blankly and he thought I was flirting. Nah. Not in the mood.
Benefits. Desire. Enjoyment. Self-satisfaction. Selfishness.
Why there are some people who never get satisfied with whatever they have in life right now? Why they tend to do everything for them to achieve their desire? Do they really get the enjoyment whenever they tend to play with fire? Why some people loves to manipulate? Is it for their self-satisfaction?
All of those questions I mentioned above leads to one word, selfishness.
I don't know how I'm going to vent out whatever I'm feeling right now. Im aware that it's wrong but why does it feels so right?
I do know whatever is going on between them.
What sucks is even if I do know the truth, I still allow myself to believe in those lies and believe it whole heartedly.
Pathetic.
This is what I hate when I love, it never fails to make me become one of those pathetic blindfools. I keep on saying goodbye but I always caught myself back in his arms again.
Foolishness.
People are dumb when they're inlove.
{ music } I caught myself by Paramore | A little not too over you by David Archuleta | Take me away by Lifehouse | Thinking of you by Katy Perry
{ show } Grey's Anatomy Season 3
{ mood } hang over.. tipsy.
Posted by kidbaliw under real world, what I'm feeling, broken inside.. bleeding
Day 1 - 5.15.2009
After looong team meeting, we went straight to Red Box. It was my first time to be with gy Tier 1 folks, Toots, Tito, Leony, Analyn & Leslie. Together with some gy TSS which are Jamie and Larc. We had unlimited food, drinks & videoke songs! Fun! Fun! Fun! Let me share you the pics..
Day 2 - 5.15.2009
I had a busy day. I went to 3 banks to pay bills, deposit and widraw money. Next was I pampered myself by heading straight to salon for my hair, manicure and pedicure. Then I went straight to Dasmariñas to meet someone and had a couple of drinks and so. Talked about things that made us comfortable and enjoyed the night away. I even got an unexpected text and it made me smile the whole day. I never thought that things will turn out this way. Smile! Smile! Smile! *winks!
Day 3 - 5.16.2009
I felt like a housewife.. for real!
Anyways, we went to Robinson's Mall to buy our mother's gift. Both of our mothers have the same birthdate. Cool isn't it?! Well I gave Tita (as requested) a box of pizza and a new pair of shoes for my mom. I did my shopping all alone and I bought myself a new pair of shoes, top and my perfume. There goes my money.. poof! haha!
Also, I got a call from Joey and she's pretty happy with what's going on with my life right now. Yeah, I caught myself smiling once again for no reason at all.
It feels so good and I hope things will be better this time.
Happy birthday to my mom!
{ music } Broken Strings by James Morrison
{ mood } pleased
Posted by kidbaliw
Coming soon by November..
I'm so excited.. 
The very emotional story of Twiilight Saga. This novel took my heart away. I did feel Bella's angst and I must say tears were everywhere when i was reading this book. Well, we can't blame Bella if she did such thing..
Besides, Jacob was there to comfort Bella when Edward left her helpless and broken.
I'm going to watch this on the big screen! Yippee!
{ music } You Found Me by The Fray
{ mood } blank
Posted by kidbaliw under reel world
I don't know what I should feel. Pero I was moved by this post. Ayoko ng sabi-sabi, it should be proven coz I'm fed up of just believing. Well he's the same person I used to love yet there are some things that I'm kinda cautios na. I've been hurt a lot of times. I want him to burn for me, make me feel that I'm not worthless and not just their other girl that they can run to whenever they're bored or something.
{ music } Later by Side A | Emily by Paraluman
{ mood } nothing
Posted by kidbaliw under hidden letters
It's been five months and I've been living half-life bought by the decision I had decided a year ago. I thought I chose the right path. Somehow thinking of what really happened brings back the memories that I hid beneath my great wall - or should I say my own bubble.
What if I chose the other path? What if I hold on a little longer (but it was also too much because no one knew the pain I'm going through during that time) and tried to push more and be somehow persistent?
I was in a middle of something that I don't know what to do.
Then he came along.
I thought he can change the color of bubble I'm in and even gave him an access to break into it. It was unexplainable and I thougt life was just so damn perfect for me.
However, he knew the secret I'm hiding.
The little spark became a raging fire and it burned me like hell. All the colors, the music filled days became a living hell for me. Everyday is like a twilight for me to get pass to the breaking dawn. How I wish I didn't believe in all the things that enveloped my lonely life.
We just keep on hurting each other one way or another. I don't want to continue whatever is going on between us. I remembered what Larc had brought up early on during our lunch:
Paano mo iiwan ang isang bagay kung alam mong masaya pero alam mong mali ang kinalalagyan mo?
Why do things have to be this way? I keep on asking that question, but he can't make a decision. I do have the right to know where I stand. I had already let go a couple of times for them yet there's always something that drives me back to the pit I'm in.
I wanted to believe those sweet nothings you have whispered in my ear but doubts fills in at the back of my mind.
I just don't want to be the other girl
that you'll run to when you're bored or something. I deserve something
real and if I can't find it with you, I think it's time for me to move
on and find other guy who will treat me well more that you did!
If you can't leave her.. fine. I'll leave. I mean it.
{ music } What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts | Emily by Paraluman | Could Have Been by Frio
{ mood } depressed
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
"This is the time when I say I quit on something, I don't do any second thought and my decision will never be changed. When I say it, I mean it."
Nakakapagod na kasi. Bigla nalang ako nagising sa katotohanan na maling mali na yung nangyayari sa akin. Alam niyo yung super nagsasawa ka na kasi wala naman patutunguhan sa mga pinaggagawa niyo. Pilit ka niyang pinapaniwala pero kahit alam mo naman na kasinungalingan ang mga sinasabi, kahit papano naniniwala tayo sa pag asang baka mali ang pakiramdam natin.
Pero hindi sa situwasyon ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman niya sa tuwing binibigkas niya lahat ng mga iyon sa akin. Alam ko kasinungalinan yun pero hindi ko talaga alam kun bakit umasa ako. Patuloy lang niyang hinahayaan na mahalin ko siya pero siya hindi niya magawang pantayan or kung hindi man, higitan yung nararamdaman ko. Alam ko na nagsasama sila, masaya at syempre may kung ano anong plano na sa buhay nila sa hinaharap.
Ang masakit lang kasi bakit nagpapakita din siya ng motibo, nagbibigkas ng kung ano anong salita at masarap na paniwalaan na mga pangako. Ganun ba talaga ako kadaling lokohin? O sadyang nagiging tanga lang ako pag nagmamahal?
Pero ngayon, umayaw na ako. Hindi dahil sa hindi ko na siya mahal subalit hindi ko na kayang makita yung sarili ko na magmahal ng isang tao, yung nagbago ng takbo ng buhay ko, binulabog at nakapasok sa harang na ginawa ko pero patuloy lang niya ako niloloko.
Sawa na ako. Nakakapagod din pala magmahal ng taong hindi ka kayang mahalin ng tapat.Susubukan ko na ibalik yung buhay ko kung ano siya bago siya dumating.
Trabaho. Pera. Pamilya. Gimik. Kaibigan.
Mas nanaisin ko pang magisa kesa nagpapaka gago at sinasayang ang oras at pagmamahal sa taong hindi marunong magpahalaga sa akin.
Titigil na talaga ako. Ayoko na. Magsama na sila at huwag na niya ako guluhin. Tanggap ko na siya talaga pinili niya. Wala na akong magagawa dun. Hindi ko ugaling pilitin sila na mahalin nila ako. Laging iyon ang ending ng bawat relasyon na pinapasok ko, mas pinipili nila yung nakaraang pag-ibig nila kesa sa akin.
Sa susunod na magkikipag relasyon ako, hahanap ako ng lalakeng magmamahal sa akin ng totoo. Yung ako lang sa buhay niya at kaya niya akong respetuhin at mahalin na higit pa sa pagmamahal na ibibigay ko. Hindi ako magmamadali dahil alam ko bata pa ako at malaki ang mundo para makipagsiksikan sa isang taong walang pakialam sa nararamdaman mo.
Marami akong natutunan. Hindi ko na gagawin yung ginawa ko ngayon. Hindi na.
{ music } 'Di Na Mababawi by Spongecola
{ show } HK with Brazillian Model
{ mood } determined
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
It was my restday yesterday. I had a lunch with my aunties and their kids at yellowcab at Palico, Imus. A promise that I need to take, so I treat them out. We ordered New York's finest, pasta, ice creams and my favorite.. baked potato with soda in can at the side!
I should be going to Makati during that day but I changed m mind since the person I'll be meeting wasn't available during that day. Anyway, I was dragged by my one of my aunt to go shopping at SM Bacoor. I told her, alright I'll go with them because I want to do a canvass for an Ipod.
Inside the mall, we never fail to keep on munching and munching! We ate ice cream again. Hehe. Played at the arcade with JM. (I'll just modify this blog for you guys to see the pics I'd taken)
Of course belonging to the clan of Dacusan, impulse buyer.. *hehe* well I got myself an Ipod classic with 120 GB. I was deciding on Ipod Touch (which has 8 GB) or (120 GB and I need to pay Php 3+++ per month) then I opt to buy myself the classic one instead. I named it Bokbok and I was having fun uploading music in it. I also bought 2 pairs of shades.. *winks!
Technically, I believed I had spent almost Php 15+++ yesterday. Shopaholic indeed!! Well it helps me clear my mind (from previous turmoil which end up right *I think*) and a way for me to indulge myself with life's perks. I just wanted to live my life and find happiness. Forget them completely and move on to m next chapter of my life. I should love myself first and foremost. Try to avoid myself in doing crazy stuff when it comes to love and see it first if that person is worth it.
Thinking about it at the end of the day, well at least I spend that money for myself and my family. Right?
{ music } Don't love you no more (I'm sorry) by Craig David
{ mood } happy
Posted by kidbaliw under moving forward
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