Entries for April, 2009
Langya itong si Dhee, panoorin ko daw yung video that she posted in her multiply. Oh well, I can't help it. 
Well I just took a snap shots of good messages na tumagos sa heart ko. May ganun?
Do I need to say more? Sleep na muna ako. Restday ko kasi ngayon. 
{ music } thinking of you by katy perry
{ mood } sleepy
Posted by kidbaliw under what I'm feeling
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
*******
-weh d nga? hahaha!
{ book } American Idol
{ mood } amused
Posted by kidbaliw under tagtagan!
My whole body hurts. I felt I carried 10 tons of carrier truck. For real.
However..
I enjoyed the stress of being asked by the newbies. Although I'm really scared because I might provide them the wrong resolution to their concern. I'm trying my best to answer all their questions during on call but to my dismay I can only cater one agent at a time.
Yet..
The feeling is really fulfilling. This was like a dream come true for me. Seriously. Because I remember when I was a newbie, I really admired the floorwalkers who have assisted our batch 2 years ago. Like I was thinking, wow.. they know almost everything in the account.
Now it's my turn to help them and hopefully make them pass the screening procedure. I'm seeing myself in them.. how they frequently ask questions and stuff. They looked scared and stressed out and trying their best to provide good customer service. I do know how they feel because I used to be in their shoes.
Well mistakes happens inevitably I mean it's given. It was their first day to handle real calls from the account. I just hope that they will learn by heart each mistake they do while on call.
I wanted them to move forward and help the team impress our client.
Anyway, I enjoyed the conversation I had with arlyn, yen and jhigz. Chixmax galore. I mean for real. Haha! When they tried to dig down about my story, I tried my best to do segway and be reserved as possible. Honestly, I'm not that so comfortable when the limelight turns my way. I mean I usually shy out and don't want to talk about it. I'm more at ease writing it in a blog though. Because this is my outlet to let go all my angst inside.
The feeling is somewhat still hurts me (of course) it's normal right? I mean I just wanted some time off and be alone and let myself heal completely. I still don't know when that day I will be truly over him but I know I'm getting there.. slowly but surely..
Let me show you the mini talkshow we had a while ago @ Starbucks PS. I'm getting addicted to Hot White Mocha Chocolate. It soothes my crazy mind in a way.
On my way home, this is what I really like after shift.. my natural perks of being on a graveyard shift..
Looking at the vastness of the sea.. The cool feeling of just staring on it. I get to ponder and try to build up my thoughts and plans whenever I'm stuck at the counterflow. Actually, I whisper in the wind all my heartaches and angst in life. My tiny little secret.. which is a secret no more! haha.
I'll sleep and escape the reality for a while.. I just hope they won't bother in my dreams.. please.
{ music } Come Back To Me by David Cook | No Air by Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks
{ book } harry potter kemeler
{ mood } productive
Posted by kidbaliw under what I'm feeling, broken inside.. bleeding, moving forward, workikay
I can't take it. It's too much. I don't know what to do and how I will start. I keep on trying to move on and live my life but why there are a lot of things that makes it harder for me to let it go? I'm not in a denial or something but this is what I feel. I admit there are days that I know I'm getting there.
Yet, out of the blue those memories.. They remind me everything.
Whenever it happens, I'm back to square one. Holding on for something which I know that it will never happen again. I got offended when I got a message like the reason why I can't let go because of deep attatchment with that person.
Why? Ginusto ko ba yung nangyari?
If I was given a chance to control my emotions, I will never let myself get too much with attachment thingy knowing that it will hurt me so much in the end.
I was off guard. I can't do anything at all.
Whatever I'm going through right now is driving me insane. Yes I'm over stressed at work it helps to divert my crazy thought in a way but when I'm all alone and after shift, same process. I sleep most of the time but it seems I can't escape it. For real!
The drinking spree I had last night was not enough to ease the pain I'm dealing right now. I was like in shame when unexpectedly teardrop fell from my left cheek. I just want to be numb.. it's really unbearable.
Btw, here's the overnight swimming I had joined last night. At least I get to know more of Batch 76.. Thanks guys!
{ music } Take Me Away | Lifehouse Poker Face | Lady Gaga
{ mood } sad
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
Nagulat ako sa nakita ko. I was like, OK.. pero when I read his message, bigla nalang ako naiyak. Why? Because I may be feeling the same thing as he does right now. I'm still thinking kung dapat ko ba iaaprove yun not. Ayoko naman mag mayabang or something. Let me share what I saw:
It's like 'years' na when the last time I saw him. Hindi din maganda ending namin. I tried to consider him as one of my friends pero I can't.. kahit siya din. What ever happened between us was way too difficult for me to understand at it was also painful for me what had happened.
As usual trust issue ang pinagmulan ng lahat. If you are going to ask me if I want to be in his arms again? The answer is no.
I just posted his message not to bling around or something. The reason why I post right now because I'm feeling the same hurtings he has right now. He's angry.. so am I. Let me take this way, just imagine me saying the exact message to him. It's really difficult.. No words can explain whatever we feel inside..
Buti nga siya pic lang, paano naman ako? I still see him almost everyday.. Oh diba? Panalo! Buti pa nga siya, he's totally over me. I wish I can really erase whatever I'm feeling right now in just a blink of an eye.
{ music } A little not too over you | David Archuleta
{ mood } annoyed
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
Yeah. Another one. Nice. Ano ba masasabi ko? Naloloka ako sa mga nababasa ko, sana hindi nalang ako nag bubukas ng friendster ko. This one, just yesterday lang. Malamang kita naman sa date diba?!
Again, another tear fell on my cheeks. I'm such a cry baby!
This guy well we haven't seen like for a year na. Year na nga ba? I don't know. *winks! A man of few words pero I know he will certainly die for me. A warfreak outside but so gentle inside. We had big fights na grabe talaga at never ko malilimutan yun.
Good things never last I must say...
I was like touched when I read his post. Akala ko he had forgotten me na. Xe he also let go of me because fo his ex. Well at least he love me still.. kakatouch lang.
Whenever I hear Yael singing in my ear, I always picture his face and imagining he was singing the song for me. Hai. Those were the days..
Ah. Ano ba hindi ko malilimutan 'ever' sa taong ito? Oh yeah, when he surprised me at my room. I was sleeping tapos he just woke me up saying "Baby.. wake up na.. good morning.." I was like really surprised!! I hate surprises but I enjoy them better when ginawa nila yung things na ayaw ko. lol.
As far as I can remember he was on a GY shift and he went straight to my home just to visit me. Of course with my parent's permission yun no! Kakunchaba nga niya si Mommy, paano close sila nun!
Meron pa yung we had a date somewhere then I saw him looking at me when I was fixing myself in front of the mirror. I don't know what he was thinking that time pero as far as I can remember it felt good. His eyes..
But that was before. Again, I'm not here to brag on this.. Owkey?!
Hmm.. I never learned being the second option, no? Ewan ko. Crap.
{ music } d mo na mababawi | Spongecola (forever playing mode)
{ mood } shocked
Posted by kidbaliw under timeline, real world
I tried to think over things. Listened to any songs randomly with my MP3 and with my Web site. Bought myself a Hot Mocha White Chocalate from Starbucks. Lit up my favorite stick of Dunhill. Breathe in and breathe out. I closed my eyes yet when I opened it...
You were not there.
I don't want to look into your eyes. Seeing you gives a sour gripe in my heart. I'm running away but I keep moving backward towards to you. I keep myself falling for you knowing that you will never be there to catch me. You let go of me yet I still want you back in my arms.
They say I should forget about you and I know I should be however, I don't know how will I forget you. It's hard to let go of someone who once colored my dull life in hue.
Why does it has to be this difficult for me? Do I really deserve to be like this when all I wanted is to love you?
Don't tell me that I don't want to. I do but I know it's wrong. I just don't know how to control myself whenever I'm near you. You don't know how hard it is for me to pretend that everything's fine to me but honestly? I'm not!
I wanted to touch your hands, feel your warmth and smell your scent again. You are like my heroin that I can't get it out of my system and controlling the urge is the hardest thing to do.
I walked out last night because it's still painful for me. I just can't take it.
Sorry if I can't look straight in your eyes.
{ music } My Guardian Angel | Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
{ mood } crazy
Posted by kidbaliw under broken inside.. bleeding
Pag pasok ko, I saw the mother of ##E#E kasama yung sister niya. Nagulat ako syempre kasi like it's been actually a year since I last saw them. She greeted me nice naman unlike before na todong bastusan to death kami. Ayun, we had a small talk. She asked me how's my life, sabi ko ayun stressed out saka pagod. Gulat lang ako nung naikwento niya si ##E#E, keso tomorrow aalis daw siya punta ng Batangas and so so. Tanong niya, nag tetext pa ba kayo ni ##E#E? I just lied and ang sinabi ko, nawala na fone ko kaya hindi na.
Actually, I intented not to text him when we broke up. What for diba?
Nakatingin lang sa akin yung sister niya, nahihiya kasi sa akin yun even before when I go to their place. Yun, noong may sasakyan na ako.. Nagulat ako when his mom asked me out to visit them some time. Wow, friendly invitation. I just replied, "cge po, I'll try".
When I got my seat sa bus, I was like freaking out na. Promise! My mind was like oh so crazy (as always) and I wanted to scream and well again let my tears fall down. Xempre I held it back no. Nakakahiya kasi sa mga tao like duh! Actually noong kami pa nun, I had a lot of not so good memories with her. Especially kapag yun nga, dumadalaw ako sa house nila.
Sayang lang kasi kung kelan okey na kami (as in close ever) saka naman kami nag break up ni ##E#E. But I have no regrets. Ganun talaga diba?
Then again, what happened today added up to one of my crazy thoughts that I'm trying to keep sane. Hai.
{ music } Thinking of you | Katy Perry
{ mood } confused
Posted by kidbaliw under timeline
"Things change" he said.
How I wish I can get all the answers to all my crazy questions in my mind right now. It will be easier for me to deal whatever situation I'm in.
Why can't I just be numb even for a day?
I admit it was my mistake but do you really need to emphasize on it? Are you really happy to boost up your ego by saying those words?
Sleeping for 24 hours wasn't enough because when I woke up this morning, I just caught myself sobbing in tears again.
Why does it have to be this complicated?
{ music } Face Down | Red Jumpsuit Apparatus | I caught myself | Paramore
{ mood } pissed
Posted by kidbaliw under what I'm feeling, broken inside.. bleeding
nilalaman sa utak ng isang baliw
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